I catch a glimpse of heaven.

Expect long post ahead. Many things sparked me off thinking, especially the bus ride home, and the fact that i took the long way home and it gave me time to think more.

Well so today we really handed over. Felt even more SBD than i thought i would. Realised how much more attached i am to this bunch of ppl. But sadly, i didn't get to handover, i didn't get to say jiayou but aiya, what's there to jiayou about actually yo? Hmmm. Idk idk. 百感交集，also don't know how to describe.

Was busy this cca, rare. Didn't have time to really slack in the classroom, was moving chairs and then taking care of casualties and then was busy laughing during games and then was busy rubbing deep heat and spraying salonpas. That was when i felt useful. That was one of the few times i felt useful. Though, i was just the safety officer that once, but well idk how to put it lah. Like i'm just one safety officer out of the many many others and just so coincidently i got to be SO for this pt. Come to think of it, i've been slacking my butt off all my NCO life eh. Last year, collect my money, then hop around trying to find things to do. Then came SSS, and then collect money and i don't hop ard anymore, i just stay in the class doing nothing, nothing seriously. Up till this last cca, then lol, i wish i did more. But OH IT'S OVER. We're really officially secondary 4 students, professional muggers in the making.

And sometimes i wish i was like dumb so i won't realise/notice so many things. But really really, at least i found out on the last cca, then i won't have the chance to abuse my power. Honestly i know i will if circumstances still permit. So i really am very thankful that i didn't find out earlier. But hey i still feel wrong. Disappointment seems the closest description. I mean, this person, who used to be BBF, is doing this. I never imagined it that way. Even if i don't feel anything anymore, it will still be natural to think. K maybe i'm supposed to feel insulted, but nah i'm seriously not. I'm just saddened by the fact that it has reduced to this state. It just keeps me thinking, like why the hell..? Maybe it really transcends all things but idk. The implications, the implications. K none of my business, i'm looking forward. MC said that yo. :) plus, 人各有志, no? I'm leaving it at that. But eh lol i am surprised i didn't feel s. K lah not really, not as much as i thought i will be. In fact, much much lesser. Just. D. But nawl i'm keeping mum.

10102008. Something about it crossed my mind. The situation will definitely be different right now, if not for my cowardice then. Sad, isn't it? I think so too. So i always tell myself, i have no balls but so what yo. I've been asking myself what i would have done, if i could just heck care. Would i still do the same thing? Unfortunately my answer will be no. But well well it doesn't make a difference anymore, seriously. So used to it already. It ain't a negative statement, but, whatever i heard today, made me realise that my humanly worth may very well be zero IYE. Yes then no and it just goes lower and lower. Yes then stick to it. It will seriously turn out better. It will make me feel better. Really.

Had dinner with doo and py after cca. And i just got home at 10 plus. Well i felt 欣慰, that was what the conversation made me feel. I realised that this person is sensible in actual fact. From what he said lah. It really really made me feel we didn't make the wrong choice, seriously. But hey, jiayou. Since you're forced to enforce it, then go on do your best. JYJY. :) comforted, really.

But then, what he said made me wonder what kind of impression i leave in their eyes. I would give anything to be able to read the minds of people around me, but sadly we all know it's impossible.

Hmmm yeah, long post, self reflection maybe. Goodnight, happy HO day. Goodluck for oral tmr ppl. Loves.